Beef stew and mashed unpotatoes

This meal started out with the best intentions. I found a copy of Gordon Ramsay's beef bourguignon and it looked simple. Deceptively simple. I, Lord Harvey, could accomplish culinary nirvana and all it required was some herbs, some beef, some celeriac and a bottle of red wine. I'm in! Make that TWO bottles of wine! I've included the pared down recipe instructions below (but no photos, lest you all judge me for my trespasses), but before you attempt this on your own, heed my words:

Don't use the cheapest wine in your grocery store. Don't drink the cheapest wine available to humanity while you cook. Don't cook this in your mother's 30-40 year old crock pot that doesn't get super hot. Save yourself the trouble and do it in the oven. What temperature and for how long, you ask? Do I look like a genius? Figure it out yourself.

To Gordon, in case you google your name and this blog comes up: I'm so sorry. Every time I eat this and I get a drunken bite of wine sauce, I cringe a little and imagine you hurling insults at me.

Lord Harvey's Slow Cooker Beef Stew (with apologies to Gordon Ramsay)

• 1 medium onion
• 2-4 cloves of garlic, minced
• 2lbs of a well-marbled beef. I used a london broil cut because it's what was in my freezer
• 750ml red wine. Watch this youtube video for further wine purchasing instructions. [NSFW for drunken language]
• 1/4-1/2lbs cremini mushrooms
• 1 small can of tomato paste
• Fresh herbs- thyme and rosemary are a must

In a pan using your fat or oil of choice (I used coconut oil), sear your beef until all sides are golden brown. Let beef rest in a strainer to separate it from its juices.

In the remains of the oil and beef fat in your pan, brown minced onions, garlic and mushrooms (about 5 minutes). Set pan aside when finished.

Cut your beef into slices about the thickness of fingers.

In your slow cooker, combine beef, vegetables, wine and tomato paste. Cover and cook on high for 3-3 1/2 hours.

Celeriac Mash

This actually turned out well! If you're going to make one thing from this post, make the celeriac mash. Eat it liberally coated in garlic butter, whole milk, pepper and salt.

This applies to as many celeriac as you want to cook; they're slightly larger than potatoes, but assume that one celeriac = one portion mashed.

Peel and cut celeriac into cubes. In the pan that you prepared your beef and vegetables in, fry the sides of the cubes celeriac until golden brown. Add water to pan until celeriac is covered; bring to a low boil until soft. I highly recommend adding cardamom pods and/or rosemary to the boil for extra flavor.

Strain the celeriac. In a large mixing bowl, add butter (or vegetable or coconut oil), salt and pepper and mash. Serve under beef stew.